The Heart of Perfection – A Stream of Consciousness Saturday Double Team #SoCS

I almost made a tremendous mistake with my life.

Fortunately, a long drive and some hard thinking and sudden revelation have instead led to a life-altering decision. I’ve been kinda thinking of it as my very own Road to Damascas moment.

Today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday is a combo of the February 4 and then February 11 prompts:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “perfection.’” Use it any way you like. Enjoy!

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “heart.” Use it any way you like. Have fun!

I’m single, well, not anymore, more on that shortly, after two marriages that didn’t work out and a semi-serious relationship that ended after Easter last year.

All wonderful women, two I loved very much (and loved me back; until they didn’t, and I didn’t); the third was an “almost,” but for a variety of reasons never got over the hump from deep like to love.

Last September, September 2 to be exact, I reached out on eHarmony to someone who is on the way to being the fourth (hopefully last) relationship I’ve ever had.

I did “the work” – as the relationships books all say – after both marriages to figure out WTF happened. The way that I was and how that interacted with how they were. Things that I could’ve done better. Things they could’ve done better.

I’ve got a comprehensive understanding of what was right, what was wrong, how I was a good partner, and how I wasn’t. Looking back, some of it was a mismatch from the beginning.

Looking back with hindsight, I don’t know that either marriage was ever going to last forever (and then a shorter forever for the second). Nothing wrong with anyone, just that there were mismatches in what we each wanted in a relationship. I’m not trying to give the impression that these were bad relationships. To the contrary, many times they were extraordinary.

Still.

Having never dated or really thought hard about what I did want in a relationship, those both just happened. College sweetheart and then someone I met at work.

I had never dated before 2020.

I have now. Thank the sweetlordtinybabyjesus for online dating. For being, I’m about 97.4% sure, one of the circles of Dante’s hell it’s a boon for shy guys like me who can be good with words online.

Don’t much like it. Have had some good dates. Some bad dates. Some dates that never showed up.

After spending most of my life in mostly supportive long-term relationships, building up that intimacy again is . . . daunting. I also realized that I like being in a relationship. I like having someone’s back and they have mine.

Anyways.

Back to Sept 2 and Jenni. Getting to know her online was fun. It was easy. I think I was starting to fall in deep like before we even met in person.

We had some fits and starts in the beginning. She was exiting a marriage that turned out not a great fit in the final years and wasn’t entirely sure she was ready for another relationship. I went too fast.

We took a short break. We recalibrated and decided to keep seeing if anything was there for us.

Then we broke it off again after having a wonderful time at Christmas.

I wasn’t entirely ready to do that, but it happened. We did see each other a few times again – three to be exact, in the second half of January. Each time, it . . . felt good to see her.

Backtracking a bit, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself and where I am in life since last November. In many ways, it’s not good enough. Part of that has been thinking about what I want in my next/last relationship. I’ll keep those things for myself.

A major thing I realized pertinent to this post is that I look forward to the destination and expect the journey to go smoothly.

When it doesn’t, I start having doubts about that particular destination.

This is obviously stupid.

I think it comes from having had many things come easily for me over the years. I’ve busted my ass in some ways, but in other ways I haven’t.

So when things got a little difficult with Jenni, it was like, “OK, well, on to the next.”

I had been unsettled about what I wanted in a relationship since we “broke up.” Couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

So my Dad has lung cancer (fortunately almost certainly treatable, looks like a good chance he’ll make it through, early, Stage one, and small) and I’m writing this from Sulphur, Louisiana taking care of my brother and the dog and cat. [Casey, meanwhile, seems to be loving living in Baltimore and is starting to move in on Sasha!]

[interruption – one of my cousins stopped by]

I drove down on February 2.

It’s 1310 miles. The dogs sleep so can’t even really talk to them. There’s only so much singing along to the radio you can do. So like most of the times I’ve driven down alone I got to thinking.

About life.

Work.

Relationships.

Why there are so many museums in this country. And so many more Jesus stations.

Somewhere around Meridian had a realization that all the big things I wanted in the person I wanted to be in a relationship with, I had had in Jenni.

And I was in the process of walking away from it.

Realized that I was being an idiot because when I realized she wasn’t perfect (and I definitely have faults a mile wide and some as deep), I didn’t fight to hang on. But just decided to move on. I know that there’s no “perfect” but the implications sunk in in a real way. And that the next time and the next time . . . might end the same way.

Always been a believer that there’s no certainty in life. There’s luck and coincidendence but not fate or meant to be. We make our own meant to be.

I think I’ve found someone I want to make my/our meant to be’s.

Jenni sent me a funny text while I was getting a coffee and gas around mile 1,000 of the trip outside of Meridien, Mississippi.

I called her back.

Didn’t intend to, but blurted out some variation of “what would you think of dating each other again?”

I’ll be grateful to the day I die she didn’t laugh and hang up.

That was February 2.

Since then, I’ve experienced what I can only describe as a “shift” in how I feel about her. There has been an extremely strong and easy emotional connection from the beginning. And an honesty with each other that has been amazing. There’s no guarantee it’ll work out. I’m going to do my damndest to see that it does.

I’ll be down here for a while longer, but we can’t wait to see each other. I’m going to enjoy the process this time and not mentally leap ahead to a non-existent perfect and then get frustrated.

Maybe this time we’ll be able to make a happily ever after together. And that we’ve both found that elusive “last first kiss.”

Music was a Morgan Wade mix today.

Morgan Wade – Take Me Away. Everyone should be listening to her.